DJ's An' All That.

If you thought the 80's were bad, as far as dj's went, then the 90's must have been the bottom line. The advent of the fun pub in the mid 80's saw dj's leaving the box and engaging in frolics and fun, along with gorillas and Rocky Horror Picture Show clones. If you were unfortunate, enough, to have mates who thought that these gafs were a place to be, then having your pint snatched from your hand, only to be paraded onstage so a girl could blow up a balloon, that had been very cautiously placed in the vicinity of your groin, came as no surprise.

Fun pubs are now a thing of the past and the nearest you can get to the whole affair is an 18-30 holiday. Dance and music are an important part of any culture, or at least that was the case until techno came on the scene. Now, there were doubts with the house scene, but at least that was cool with a little "c" and as long as you weren't into smiley t-shirts and all that shite. Techno is nothing more than glorified arcade game background music, no doubt someone, somewhere, will admit as much. It would seem that the main culprits in producing such shite are usually found on the continent, remember 2 unlimited and Black Box.

The two aforementioned music acts are minor league compared to the breed of dj that kicked the whole thing off. Gone are the hats with tits on, illuminated bracers and hooters. It's baseball caps and Armani for today's dj's. They are usually called Billy A, Billy B, Billy C or any other sort of tilte that avoids them using their real name. They mix the biggest load of hardcore shite known to man and release it on a tape, so that any self respecting techno fan can purchase it. By the way, it's not essential to be wearing a flying jacket with "Technics" or "Kenwood" on the back when purchasing your copy of that latest mix. It's also a little more credible to actually have a Technics or Kenwood system before purchasing your jacket.

Also, there is the radio dj who frequent "event" nights at clubs the length and breadth of the nation. I'm sure you've heared those club recordings blasting out of any house that is home to a 16 year old, with the place to themselves. A familiar voice will ring out, followed by a remixed version of a repetitive tune associated with choreographic dance/singing acts and Smash Hits magazine. Still, at 16 you think a trip to The Paradox is like having a holiday and shellin out on a crap tape is ok.

We have all heared about those brilliant nights at The Quad, Cream etc, so am I just being a moaning cunt for having a go? Well! No, the music is shite. I know that we all ended up doing weird dances at the beginning of the 90's, with The Farm and Happy Mondays et al, but I can happily say that I have never danced in an "Alice DJ" style manner. If you think I am just a moaning cunt, then chances are that you are either 18, which is understandable, or a 30-something sad cunt who drives around all day with the shittest music ever heared blasting out of your car. If you are that 30-something, get a life.

"Inject It With A posion" An over enthusiastic dj, complete with image, poses for a publicity shot for club 051.

Favourite DJ lines...Not the lines associated with Central American cartels, but;

"Be early, last week it was a LOCK OUT". (Good reason to be late).

"Rockin the house, kidder".

"That will be 20quid for the tape".

"Alright mate! I know it's 4am and you're trying to get some sleep in the sanctuary that is your own home, but it's Radio City 96.7 here, how do you fancy winning a couple of tickets for Paradox on Saturday night?".

"It beats hosting karaoke".

"Well, things didn't work out too well in The Housemartins".

"The water in the bogs aint workin, water can be purchased at the bar for 3quid a bottle". (familiar at Cream).

"It's got fuckall to do with me, I only work here mate! The electric meter belongs to the club". (dj at club Buzz, or was that club Zubb).

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