Karaoke Time.

Everyone loves a bit of a sing song, at the match, the girl from Sayers 21st, be it on hallowed ground or if you're lonely enough, and follow Liverpool Football Club, along to a rather time worn out recording of "Kop Choir". However, in the past decade or so, a breakthrough in audio technology has given rise to the phenomenon that is the "professional karaoke singer". Shame is left at the pub door as this breed of entertainer enters the hostelry intent on inflicting their gift on others. It is fair to say that these individuals are often encouraged into their first indulgence of the art, by arl arse mates or family, after a few ales. Still, once that first performance is over with there's no stopping them. Don't confuse the pro with the regular pub drunk, who won't let go of the microphone after their first drunken attempt of the night. Indeed, after the first number, the pro will reduce their intake of beverage in order to maximize their vocal ability and maintain that professional approach.

True professionals reach karaoke highdom when they purchase their very own karaoke system, no Amstrad here, a machine that could make them the most popular individual around New Year week. The habbit then presents itself with offers of loaning the equipment to various individuals in the professionals neighbourhood planning a social event. However, if anyone is planning of snatching a tune for themselves, forget it, the professional will intend to hog the machine for the entire event. This is often prevented by the event hosts pleading with the equipments owner on the basis of fairplay, not forgetting the "you'll miss the buffet" routine.You really have to worry if the professional has a mate who will drop the machine off in a battered van and is refered to as a "bit of a roadie" by the pro. Worse still, if the pro asks to use the bathroom to freshen up and reappears wearing a dinner suit and dicky bow or a white tassled jump suit. By 11pm the dicky bow is untied and "My Way" is on the cards. Another noted feature of the professional is the tendency to constantly flex the lead wire and turn their back on a prospective audience, singing to the wall.

A promising karaoke "pro" performing in Coopers, this Cases Street regular is on for bigger things.

It is rumoured that the CIA are to study the professional, as nomatter how shite their voice sounds the pro believes he/she is a potential star. Subliminal messages may no longer be used in sleeping operatives, if research is successful, prospective operatives will be given 6 pints of lager and egged into singing a karaoke number. If the bleeding process is successful, once the karaoke host hands them a song listings sheet, the operative will be capable of anything. Presidential karaoke nights at the White House will definately be a thing of the past.

Constantly touring bars in order to win a £25 jackpot is very common. Quiz nights are for spotty students, social workers and union organizers, karaoke challenge is for the chosen. Once that microphone reaches the hand it's not Clayton Square, but Las Vegas . A regular following is common place and usually consists of new found girlfriend, very often the type who used to spend the whole day talking to the bus driver, heading in and out of town, for entire journeys, a boyfriend or family members who view their fellow kin with new found celebrity status. Violence has often erupted when judgements are favoured against the followed pro. Happy hours can turn into mayhem when the professionals attempt at a Robbie Williams number have fallen on deaf ears with the judges. To some, having a professional karaoke singer in the family merits almost as much status as having a family member working behind the bar. So! If you know of someone who still thinks they can cut a slot in "stars in their eyes" or as a guest on a Michael Barrymore show, be warned. By the way, bar staff are appreciated a lot more than a budding star.

Here are the 10 most popular karaoke tunes around....

So get that Led Zepplin tune racing around your head and here's the countdown from 10 to 1...

In at.........................

10. You're The One That I Want...first sad bastard duo entry. Usually sang by two total strangers who have been embarrassed into the thing by a desperate karaoke host.

9. Mac The Knife...sung by 50/60 somethings who rated themselves as potential Frankie Fraser types and dead good thieves in their own day.

8. Heart, whatever?..You know, the theme song from the "Titanic" picture.

7. River Deep, Mountain High...second sad bastard duo song. Can usually end in an Ike and Tina Turner situation, if not well recieved.

6. Yesterday...Shit! The Prozac's wearing off, "Won't she ever come back"?

5. Barbie Girl...Popular with many sixth form girls, before they hit Garlands.

4. Simply The Best...As if this one doesn't get on your nerves enough when it's on the radio.

3. It's My Party...Favoured by drunken New Labour types at fund raising events, in reference to the bad old days when ordinary working people in the party believed in decent wages and living conditions .

2. Any Robbie Williams number...A suit from Top Shop is essential for this performance.

1. I Will Survive...Popular with "men loving" women, usually those awaiting the decree absolute in the post.

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